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| im so fucking sick of my parents. additional goal for coming home: assert my independance.
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| Uh...xanga sucks..it just took me 5 minutes to figure out hwo to make a weblog entry. But whatever, there's a weird comfort in having this blog since like..well..7th-ish grade. haha..I stumbled upon this just now, and realized i havne't looked at it or updated it in forever, but I somewhat remember what h last post was about. It's funn because recently i went through "friend trauma" again...and trackign this through college, this wouldbe my third time. The first time I pushed someone away, the second time someone pushed me away, and this time two gay friends hooked up had their own drama and then pushed me away claiming that I had pushed them and everyone else away..hahahha. So hopefully that's all the possible combinations and this will be a final occurence. yup..so me and marcel/jarrett..not friends..not talking. Well don't plan on every knowing marcel again, haha i think he has some problems of his own to check out and realize that he's not half of what he thinks he is and is in no position to "teach me lessons," and realize that it took me a year of knowing him to get past that he seemed like a snotty, superficial, stupid kid and that way too many people I meet who know that him and I don't talk anymore..think that of him as well. Once he's realized that. Well. I don't care because I have no plans of inviting him back into my life.
Jarrett? We'll see. The fact remains that he sincerely believes that the world revolves around him, and carries through his day with that sincere belief, but he's been a good guy and been there in the past. So we shall see.
HAha..so funny that the last post on here is about phyllis..after well..basically november/december we've been actually hanging out again this week and it has been good. I think our efforts to "make up" in march were too contrived, but this is good, i like. It seems that we led semi-parallel lives that period of time we weren't talking and uninterested in being friends again. But as always..we are more alike than we thought and get along too well to neglect the friendship we did have, so this is good.
Summer has been great with research and class, and haha awkward marcel in my class. But lots fo time with julie/gabe/cindy and hanging out with random people I always liked, but felt too comfortable with my group of friends to extend to them. Summer has been good.
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| I'm so sad and I'm so unhappy. I don't know how to handle it ... Phyllis doesn't even seem to worth being friends with anymore because every two months it's the same thing. The overpowering emotional abuse. The, why do you always try to be me? The, [insert personality flaw here], and I just can't stand being around you. The, you are so selfish, you are so self centered, you only think about yourself.
I just can't handle it. I think I have to cut things off till she understands that sometimes she emotionally treats me like shit when she's so arrogant and self-important. It doesn't make me feel good about myself in a state that I already feel like shit.
I feel so lonely, I feel like I barely have any friends, I feel like there is almost absolutely no one to relate to. I hate the grey sky, the constant rain, and now the disgusting snow. I hate being couped up in my room because I'm always sick or really tired. I resent not being in California. I resent not being part of a subculture in which I am respected and accepted.
I've read the help sites. They always say, go get involved on campus!
Really?
Because I write for the school newspaper, I am vice president of the international relations club, I am elected to student government to represent my college, I am trained to be an Ally, I am trained to be a sexual assault advisor, I am a student representative on the council that creates the university's educational policy and values, I organized a retreat for first year leaders, I organize programming for the school.
Oh yeah and did I mention my grades are shitty and worthless? shit-ty and worth-less
They were shittier and more worthless last year, which is when I was less involved but they are still far from stellar. I think I'm going to do an extra year in school so I can bump up my grades. The only thing I've been told I could be amazing at is a Lawyer or a Politician. I feel like a dumb shit at this school. That's what I get for going to a prestigious east coast school I guess.
I just need to graduate and get out of here.
But I don't think I'm even doing the right things here. Policy and Management? Economics? What What? I feel useless when I'm not taking math classes, and though I don't want to I am sure I'm doing econ because otherwise I'm not respected at all here. But I have to rethink that. I have to be happy here and respected after I graduate, that is the most important. I can't have a certain major so that people look at me more highly now, but after I graduate I'll have a shitty GPA and no where to go.
I feel so guilty. A good chunk of my mom's income goes into sending me to college. My dad's goes into paying off the mortgage for our million+ home where we live because of good schools. Them sacrificing a better life so that my sister and I can have good lives and be well educated and respected. I often feel like a terrible daughter. All I need to do is get good grades, and that too for my own benefit. I can't even do that.
This week is crucial, I have to do this with no distractions.
I have to rethink my major. I have to rethink my friends. I have to rethink what I am doing here.
I am going to get help. I hear we get free counseling sessions. I'm pretty sure I need a few.
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| Wow...I'm taken back to a time long ago, but not so long ago. Scar tissue is striking weird strange chords I wasn't aware that I had. I mean I say that I love Red Hot Chili Peppers, but the truth is that I liked them until I met phyllis and from then on I fell in love with her. Which is funny, because soon after meeting her she broke up with Dan and I knew that it was "their" band so I stopped talking about them as much--but I still loved them.
It brings back memories of being in e-tower and doing homework in Phyllis's room while she worked on her design projects, so peaceful. Strange, I'm crying now--well, not crying to say but tearing up very much. By the way is on now. Funny, because I did try to say that I'd be there. It's been almost a year, I feel so sad that I caused phyllis the pain or ostracization that she felt from being around Mo and I.
Funny, because Mo became my biggest enemy and now she means nothing to me. I mean I know I hate to inflate phyllis's ego, but I don't think she'll ever read this. I appreciate her so much. So, so, so, so much. Last year I was able to discover more about who I was by hearing her tell me how terrible she had felt when she spilt to me how she never thought me, mo, and her could all be friends at the same time--well she definitely called that one. Last year she introduced me to a whole new range of people. I might have still been cooped up by myself in PLACE house trying to sort out drama between mo, cory, jarrett, and swi at the end of the year if it weren't for her. I really believe she made me a better person. I was so uptight and self-concious when i came here. I got dosed by you...what am I supposed to do? I'm glad to be who I am now. Though I know I haven't foudn myself.
Honestly though, I did not actually know what it meant to "find yourself" until I met phyllis and se eher go through the changes she did. She is so free and so willing andso eager to just be who she is. I know I am getting closer to that. This is the way I wanted it to be with you.. It doesn't nvolve pruposeful emulation of another. It's just, being what your heart tells you to be. I experience it now and again. I know I haven't found myslef yet though. I'm doing ten million and one things but still feeling lonely. I'm drowning myself in school and activities to find the people I want to be with and the person who I am.
It's funny, because the happiest I felt overall since I got ot CMU was the first few weeks. But it seems that the things I did were just meaningless. But I understand, it was all new, exciting, and fun.Little did I know that these exciting and fun things would tkae on the same exact form everytime. I guess that's what i'm looking for: change. I guess that's why going on that "trip" was so amazing. It was subtle, but I saw CMU as a new place. that's what I need right now, a new place.
Pour my life into a paper cub, The ashtrays full and I'm spilling my guts. She wants to know am I still a slut? I'm glad I had those talks with Phyllis, when she told me she didn't think she could do what mo and I had sdone--randomly hook up with guys. For the record, it never beyond some makign out for me and hte tiems weren't that numreous. But now she's had a fuck/friend buddy and sex with someone with a girlfriend (but feels terrible abotu that girlfriend part)--honestly, she has really found herself. She does this and whne she does this there is just something inside me, I'm not annoyed, I don't scoff, I don't think what a slut, I don't think what a silly college girl. I think i'm just at terms with it as she is. Look at me, asides from a certain little incident-it's been almost a year since I've been near a guy in that way.
Fly away on my Zephyr, we'll find a place together. Funny, because a lot of that has to do wiht hte fact that knowing Phyllis and her saga with Dan really did teach me a thing or two about true love. I don't know if I ever will have true love-but I'm blessed to know someone who found it. Secrelty, I want her ot get back with Dan--but i don't ever want ot see her go through the constant grief that she did go through at the endof hte relationship and when they broke up. But I really felt like I saw true love for the first time, first hand. I don't know If I'll see that in my life ever, but I'll have an idea of what it looks like when I do.
That first week of school, wearing those garbage bags to make her happy, running behind her on Halloween while she sotle forks, spoons, trays, pumpkins, finding her on the phone wiht the operator in the UC, picking both of them up and thank god I was sober that night. All of that. I'll don't know if i'll ever say it, but I got a kick out of it--it made me happy to be able ot do those things.
I don't have that many friends at CMU, but I can say for now very confidently that the ones I consider my friends are among the best people I have met in my life. Thank you for being there for me and knowing me, Phyllis. I hope to have a friend like you in my next life time as well.
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